Biju John
Good morning, mighty ladies and fragile gentlemen!
When I was asked to deliver a speech on the importance of women empowerment to a group of final year boys and girls, my first thought was declining the entreaty. I just wondered what was there to empower when all I see is an empowered society. My curiosity sent me after a couple of instances but everywhere I found the same strong women who asserted equality. Where was the empowerment needed?
In the ongoing struggle for gender equality, much of the discourse revolves around dismantling patriarchal systems that place men at the apex of power and privilege. While societal structures, religious doctrines, and historical precedents are often blamed for perpetuating male dominance, there is an uncomfortable truth that is rarely acknowledged: the silent yet profound role that mothers and wives play in shaping and sustaining this hierarchy. From the cradle to the conjugal bed, the influence of these two key figures in a man’s life has reinforced the very gender norms that many are now fighting to overturn.
The journey of a patriarch begins in the nursery, where a mother’s role in nurturing her son often comes with a set of expectations that are as old as time. In cultures around the world, from the rural villages of India to the suburban neighborhoods of the United States, mothers impart lessons of masculinity that stress strength, stoicism, and dominance.
In India, for example, traditional sayings like “Mard ko dard nahi hota” (“A man doesn’t feel pain”) are still widely used by mothers to encourage their sons to suppress vulnerability and to cultivate a tough exterior. This cultural mantra, deeply embedded in the collective consciousness, teaches boys to associate masculinity with an absence of emotion—a trait that later translates into an inability to express feelings or seek help, perpetuating a cycle of emotional detachment and dominance.
Similarly, in many African societies, the transition from boyhood to manhood is marked by rites of passage that emphasize endurance and the ability to assert control. In Kenya’s Maasai community, boys undergo circumcision ceremonies that are designed to test their pain tolerance. Mothers, while often filled with concern, are also the first to remind their sons of their duty to endure without complaint, embedding in them a sense of stoic masculinity that prioritizes toughness over tenderness.
Even in the Western world, where gender roles are gradually evolving, the shadow of traditional masculinity looms large. In the United States, studies have shown that mothers are more likely to encourage their sons to engage in competitive sports and physically demanding activities while steering their daughters towards more nurturing and cooperative play. This subtle yet significant difference in upbringing continues to reinforce the idea that boys must grow into men who are strong, competitive, and dominant—traits that are often equated with leadership and authority.
If the mother plants the seeds of masculinity, the wife often waters them, ensuring that they flourish within the confines of marriage. The domestic sphere, traditionally viewed as the wife’s domain, is where many of these gender norms are both challenged and reinforced.
In many cultures, a wife’s role is seen as one of support and subservience. This is particularly evident in parts of the Middle East, where the concept of qiwamah (male guardianship) places men at the head of the household, with wives expected to obey and serve their husbands. This dynamic is often maintained not just by societal expectations but by the wives themselves, who have been raised to believe that their value lies in their ability to care for their homes and families while leaving decision-making and public affairs to their husbands.
In the United States, the division of labor within the household remains heavily gendered, even as more women enter the workforce. A 2020 study by the Pew Research Center found that, despite women spending more hours in paid employment, they continue to do a disproportionate amount of housework and childcare compared to their husbands. This imbalance is often perpetuated by wives who, out of a desire to maintain a harmonious household or out of adherence to traditional norms, refrain from asking their husbands to share in these duties. The reluctance to challenge these roles not only reinforces the idea that domestic work is inherently feminine but also allows men to maintain their dominant position in both the public and private spheres.
Moreover, in many cultures, the concept of male honor (izzat in South Asia, for example) is closely tied to the behavior of the wife. A wife who steps outside of her traditional role—whether by asserting independence, seeking employment, or refusing to conform to household expectations—can bring shame upon her husband, further entrenching the idea that a man’s status and identity are dependent on his ability to control and dominate his wife.
The influence of mothers and wives in perpetuating patriarchal norms can be observed across different cultures, each with its own unique traditions and practices that reinforce male dominance.
In Japan, the household system, which places the male as the head of the family, is still prevalent in many parts of the country. Even though legal reforms have attempted to promote gender equality, traditional expectations persist. Mothers continue to encourage their sons to pursue careers and leadership roles, while daughters are often prepared for domestic responsibilities. The practice of Yome-iri (bride’s entry into the groom’s family) symbolizes a wife’s transition from her natal family to her husband’s household, where she is expected to serve not just her husband but his entire family, further cementing her subordinate status.
In Latin American cultures, the concept of machismo glorifies male dominance and control, often with the active participation of women. Mothers, in their efforts to raise strong, independent sons, frequently emphasize traits like bravery, assertiveness, and sexual prowess—qualities that are synonymous with the ideal macho man. Wives, on the other hand, may encourage their husbands to embody these traits, often turning a blind eye to behaviors like infidelity or aggression, believing that these are simply part of what it means to be a man.
In many parts of sub-Saharan Africa, the practice of polygamy is a reflection of male dominance, with wives often competing for their husband’s attention and favor. In such societies, the senior wife, who holds a position of authority over the younger wives, often plays a key role in upholding the patriarchal structure, ensuring that each wife conforms to her prescribed role within the household.
The influence of mothers and wives on patriarchal structures is not only a private matter but one that is often reflected and reinforced by media and public discourse. Popular culture, from Hollywood films to television dramas, continues to depict traditional gender roles that align with patriarchal ideals.
Consider the portrayal of motherhood in many mainstream films. Mothers are often depicted as the primary caregivers, instilling values of toughness and independence in their sons while nurturing their daughters. In films like The Lion King, the character of Sarabi is shown as the supportive mother who raises Simba to be a brave and strong leader, a role that is inextricably linked to his masculinity.
Wives, too, are frequently portrayed in ways that reinforce traditional roles. In the popular television series Mad Men, Betty Draper is depicted as the quintessential 1960s housewife, who, despite her personal unhappiness, continues to maintain her husband’s image as the breadwinner and authority figure. Even in more contemporary series like The Crown, which portrays the life of Queen Elizabeth II, the dynamics between the Queen and her husband, Prince Philip, reflect the tension between traditional gender roles and modern expectations.
Public discourse around gender often fails to address the role of women in perpetuating patriarchy, focusing instead on external factors like legislation or workplace policies. While these are undoubtedly important, they overlook the more insidious ways in which gender norms are maintained within the home, often with the active participation of mothers and wives.
The path to true gender equality requires more than just changes in laws or workplace practices; it demands a fundamental shift in the way we raise our children and conduct our marriages. Mothers and wives, as primary influencers in a man’s life, have the power to redefine what it means to be a man and a husband.
Mothers must move away from instilling traditional notions of masculinity that prioritize strength and dominance over empathy and cooperation. Instead, they should encourage their sons to express their emotions, embrace vulnerability, and engage in equitable relationships. Programs like Mothers Raising Sons, an initiative in Australia, aim to support mothers in raising boys who respect gender equality and challenge traditional gender norms.
Wives, too, have a critical role to play in dismantling patriarchal structures within the home. By challenging traditional divisions of labor and encouraging their husbands to share in domestic responsibilities, they can help create a more balanced and equitable partnership. Campaigns like HeForShe, launched by UN Women, have gained traction in promoting gender equality within households, urging men to take on more active roles in parenting and household chores.
The errors of patriarchy are not merely the result of historical missteps but are perpetuated by the very people who are closest to the men who embody these roles. Mothers and wives, often unknowingly, play a significant role in maintaining male dominance through the values they impart and the expectations they uphold.
However, by recognizing their influence and taking active steps to promote gender equality within the home, women can be the catalysts for a broader societal shift. It is time to move beyond traditional notions of masculinity and femininity and embrace a future where strength is measured not by dominance but by equality, empathy, and mutual respect.
As society continues to evolve, the roles of mothers and wives must evolve as well, from the architects of patriarchy to the architects of equality. Only then can we hope to build a world where gender is no longer a determinant of power but a source of diverse perspectives and shared humanity.
My words could have provoked a group of like-minded people among you but, believe me, I am very well aware of a world where women are subject to endless torture, more by a male dominating mindset rather than males. It is time to fight and defeat this mindset that our society has built over thousands of centuries.
Delivered by Biju John on 09 November, 2022
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